Wednesday, 8 October 2008

My heart felt like as if it is being entangled in a tight knot, taking much effort to pump my blood into the veins. Struggling to keep me alive..

Am I actually stressed out? I'm not quite sure.

Everything about my 3rd year keeps appearing in my head. I keep getting a reminder from my head to start revising but that did not really do the job. Instead, I do not feel like touching even the surface of my lecture notes. Even when I do, it felts like I am not doing it full heartedly. My head wonders off when I scan through my notes. Nothing goes into the head.

I keep trying to distract myself off by doing other things like watching tv, going online and just wondering around but when I became self conscious again, the dreadful feeling came haunting back. Am I actually trying to avoid what I should be doing?

I cannot study but yet I feel guilty about not studying.

I thought about my post-graduation plan but they do not seems to be promising. There will be barricades at the entrance.. Barricades, not hurdles. I am trying to get a hold of my life and live as I feel right but things just does not look like that.

I felt like a bird locked inside a cage but yet when you open the lock for me, I would not dare to step out unless you took me out and lift me into the air. I am waiting for your permission, your understanding.

Should I be selfish and just walk on the path I plan to pave for myself or should I walk on the paved road that you have mapped out for me. If I walk on my own path, I am afraid to leave you alone to fend for yourself. If I choose to walk with you on the mapped out path, I am afraid I will be stuck under the shadows of the trees along this road.

So, I seek your permission to let me fly and try to soar the sky. I want to stop being under your wing but I want to see your smiling face when you see me off.

I wish you could be more understanding of what I need right now at this critical stage. I guess you will not really understand.. because you are not in my shoe and you are walking along a tougher path than I am right now. But is comparison really apply here? I am not sure.

I wish you would hear me without being judgemental, without making comparisons. This is where we lost ourselves to in our relationship.

I could still remember vividly how we would spend time together, without feelings of boundaries. Now, everything have changed quite alot. Almost every word that comes out of me to reach out to you has to be taken into great consideration before being voiced out, afriad of speaking those which should not be spoken off. That is how huge the gap is now. I do not feel out true relationship anymore although I know I still love you. The gap has made apart of you in me gone missing.

Kids. How good it is to feel so selfless, so self-unconcious, so naive, so postive..

What is the real purpose of actually being borned to this world and then leave this world. Eventually, verything comes to an end. So, I wonder.. what purpose does human actually serves? What is the purpose of human existence in this place?

Does this universe actually starts from a speck of dust, or from nothing? What are we humans to something else.

Are we just creations of the supernatural beings? Do they actually exist? Are there actually invisible energies around that controls Feng Shui and how one's life will live?

So many questions with uncertainties..

No one actually knows what lies ahead of us a millennium later..

Maybe I should just limit my thoughts and look nearer into the future and try to solve these puzzles instead of wondering too far off. I am afriad I would wonder off too far and it would be too far then to reach out to me and bring me back to the current reality.

Let's just stop here for today.

Humans are created[i know no other words to describe] with the need to rest.

Goodnight.

Tagged:

4 comments:

  1. wow. amazing free hand shot

    ReplyDelete
  2. just a lucky shot XD my last lucky shot before the fireworks end XD

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha.. but this year not that lucky. not even a single nice shot XD

    ReplyDelete